Ugly Monster Rears Its Head

I peddled really hard and aggressively today for a hour and a half and overdid it. I was not in a very mentally healthy place when I started my workout today and I kept getting more and more angry over things as I went, which meant that I worked out until my fiance took the peddler from me. I’m sure I burned tons of calories but it was not healthy and I felt sick to my stomach afterward.

It’s hard being someone who struggles with anorexia when it comes to trying to lose weight in a healthy way. It’s very easy to fall back into old mentalities that made you sick in the first place and today was one of those days. I’m not going to put myself down for it or feel like I failed or anything; it happened and at least I’m well enough to see what was going on so I can learn from it and fix it.

Hopefully my experience in falling off the recovery-wagon for a few hours today and how I plan to deal with that will help anyone else who is reading this and deals with food and weight and body image issues.

From now on, I’m not going to use exercise as a way to force myself to go mentally numb. I don’t think that using it to work though aggression or anger is a bad thing but I way overdid it today and in the future I will be working hard on monitoring my mental state as I work out and stop myself before I get to the point where I’m dripping sweat everywhere and barely able to breathe because I pushed myself too far.

Tomorrow I will go back to what I have been doing for the last two months and peddle for a hour (20 minutes forward/backward, 20 minutes the opposite way, 10 minutes the first way, and 10 minutes the other way), 10 jackknives (I do the situps and also these ones that make you look like a circus seal), then some yoga/stretching for five minutes. I drink water throughout to keep myself hydrated and then I eat a sandwich after I’ve cooled down.  This has been mentally healthy for me for two or so months now and I will be striving to keep that up, rather than letting my eating disorder and other problems take over and work me until I get sick again.

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2 thoughts on “Ugly Monster Rears Its Head

  1. Anonymous says:

    I think it’s really admirable how you are trying to find a balance. As someone with similar struggles, it’s incredibly difficult for me to find that balance and it is something that I work on every single day.

    Even something as “simple” as deciding what to drink can be a 15 minute ordeal for me because I’m constantly battling about whether or not I should allow myself to have that soda or juice and, instead, opt for calorie-free water. Going to restaurants is often a challenge for me, too, because I always keep people waiting on me to make a decision about what to eat. I have therapeutic tools tools to try to work through it, but sometimes it’s very hard. It’s an exhausting, day-long battle in my mind.

    But, anyway, this isn’t about me — I really want to commend you for recognizing what was going on and attempting to take yourself out of that frame of mind. Once you’re in that state, it can be very difficult to drive yourself away from it but you were able to and that is an incredibly positive thing. You should feel very proud of yourself!

    It’s definitely comforting, as well as inspiring, to see that it is possible to overcome something like this — no matter how difficult it may be to actually do it. I know that you’re still in the recovery process (do we ever really stop trying to improve?), but it’s just really awe-inspiring for me. You can do it, so don’t give up! 🙂

    • Thank you for your comment.

      I really get what you mean about the day-long struggle. It’s not that bad for me anymore but a few years ago it was like you’re describing. I was obsessed with calories and would limit myself to a ridiculously low number a day, plus I couldn’t ever decide what to eat. Food was the enemy and I let my issues with it rule my life. It was exhausting.

      It means a lot to me that you shared some of your struggles, too. It can be hard to talk about it so I really appreciate that.

      You, too, can fight it off. It takes time and having a support network is invaluable — I wouldn’t be this far in my recovery phase without my fiance, who is really supportive and knows when to tell me to stop obsessing. Hah, I’m not sure if we ever really do stop recovering from an eating disorder. I liken it to an addiction and recovering addicts are never considered “recovered” because of the chance of relapse. Don’t give up, either. It’s hard but it’s worth it. I think that if we try we can get to the point where food isn’t a daily struggle.

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