This post has a stricter content warning for disordered eating than usual.
My fiance has missed two days of work this week, which is a lot of money, because of being sick. He doesn’t have any paid time off yet and no healthcare. We’re short on rent and also food is very scarce. The food bank was closed today (they’re normally open Tuesdays) due to the holiday and we’re totally out of food that can be constructed into a meal by itself.
When things get like this, I have trouble keeping the negative body thoughts away. I can’t help but think about how heavier I am than I was just a few years ago. That leads to thoughts of being “fat” and how I could use to not eat because of that.
The reason that I get like this during times of food instability is because of how my dad and step-mom would “forget” to buy me food in my late teens. I haven’t really gone into that here before because I’m nervous about them finding out this blog and the fallout but my dad and I have been talking about these things so I think it’s okay to talk about now.
In my late teens my stepmother’s various mental health problems reached a new peak of intensity. She started segregating the food supplies; there was food that only me and my sister could eat and food that my dad and her could eat. If she didn’t buy us food, we didn’t eat. I have ALWAYS struggled with food and this new food restriction was just the icing on the cake.
I started hoarding what food I got. The less food I thought I was going to have in the future, the less I ate and the less I ate, the more my food stash grew. And the negative body thoughts kept growing and growing until my body had wasted away and my bones showed up through my skin.
And that is why I’m struggling so hard right now.