I miss being thin. I know it’s my eating disorder talking but I really miss being very thin. Of course, when I was at my thinnest, I didn’t think I was thin enough but my thoughts have been straying to that negative part of my mind lately. I see old pictures of myself, when I was in the clutches of my disordered eating patterns, and I can’t help but compare how I look now to how I looked then and feel like I’m worth less because my body has more mass.
I think a lot of this comes from the time of year it is; lots of people talking negatively about their bodies because they “pigged out” during the holidays and now they have to diet as penance for daring to enjoy food and not worry about every little calorie that entered their bodies. Several bloggers I follow have been talking about how they’re going to get healthy in the new year by joining a gym, working out more, and focusing on what they eat more. Which, good for them, but it is pretty triggering to me.
As someone with an eating disorder, I have trouble with my body image as it is and being bombarded by these thoughts about how they’re out of shape (and many of these people have thinner, fitter bodies than I do) and they need to get into shape, eat better, etc is difficult for me to deal with. It’s especially difficult with all the stress I’ve been under lately and what that does to my relationship with food.
So, while I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, I think my New Year’s Promise to myself is to keep working on these nasty, self-hate thoughts and try to just keep being gentle to myself and try to get used to my body how it is now and less focus on what it isn’t anymore. Hopefully this will help in all aspects of my life, including my feelings of inadequacy from being less mobile than I was even just a year ago.