Mini Relapse

This post contains a stronger than usual content warning for disordered eating, self-injury and related issues. Read with caution.

We’ve been having a lot more stress than usual for the last month, lots of instability and unable to afford food. I’ve talked previously about how triggering that is to me before and why. It doesn’t help that my fiance expects me to come up with food ideas (recipes, mainly) when he’s the picky eater (I’ll eat almost anything). He’s been stressed out, too, because the temp job he was working reduced his hours but we got news on Sunday that a good job he applied for hired him so hopefully things will be looking up.

But I’m in a really dark place with my eating. The voice that tells me I’m fat, undeserving of food, and that I’m useless has been louder than usual lately. This week, I put on my engagement ring (I don’t wear it all the time because our parrots try to pull the stones out) and it was pretty loose on my finger. It made me realize that I have been losing weight and how thin my hands are, how my bones are starting to show up in places they shouldn’t be. It scares me but at the same time it excites me. Which is messed up and I’m trying not to listen to that but I can’t help but be excited about losing weight. I don’t know how much because we don’t own a scale anymore because I was obsessively weighing myself.

I’m trying hard to force myself to eat more. It’s just hard since I’m so worried about money/food. I have to mentally talk myself into every bite. Thinking about recipes/cooking makes me panic, makes me want to self-injure. But I’m trying hard.

Edit to add:

Last night, my fiance and I were talking and he’s all, “I’ve lost like 15 pounds.”

And I told him I didn’t need or want to hear that, that that’s not an okay thing to tell someone who has been struggling with eating and he didn’t get it. I was like, “have you even read about eating disorders?”

And he was like, “yeah.” But he couldn’t tell me where he’s been reading about it.

I should mention that my fiance has autism and that he can be clueless about things. He did apologize after I told him how upsetting it is when he mentions pounds and numbers.

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4 thoughts on “Mini Relapse

  1. alycevayle says:

    I have been there too. Things will change. You are not a number – you are a valuable, precious human being!

    • Thank you. That helps some. Last night, my fiance and I were talking and he’s all, “I’ve lost like 15 pounds.” And I told him I didn’t need or want to hear that, that that’s not an okay thing to tell someone who has been struggling with eating and he didn’t get it. I was like, “have you even read about eating disorders?” And he was like, “yeah.” But he couldn’t tell me where he’s been reading about it.

  2. Jen Busseau says:

    I know it is hard to remember the tenants of HAES when you can’t always make choices about when and what you eat. But maybe re-tuning into your inner natural feelings of being hungry or being full can help keep the harder thoughts in perspective? I have been working on much of the same – seeing my clothes get loser and feeling so excited but also feeling bad that food insecurity is the problem. The last four or so weeks have been a lot better for us and I REALLY hope it gets easier for you guys too! ❤ Proud of you for being so conscious of your disordered feelings, that's an important step in the process as you know!

    • I’ve been trying to refer to HAES but it’s hard since I can’t eat when I feel hungry. Or, rather, I FEEL like I can’t eat when I’m hungry because of not knowing if food is going to be stable, something we have enough of; I start hoarding it. But I did eat my last granola bar earlier.

      Thank you. Support is awesome ❤

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