Not Doing Okay

This post contains discussion of disordered eating patterns, manipulation and psychological abuse, housing instability, self injury, and gender dysphoria. Please use your discretion when reading.

As I’ve posted about before, I came to an epiphany lately about how if I’m experiencing gender dysphoria, it triggers a miniature eating disorder relapse. I got to kind of test that theory this last week because I tried to gently, politely and calmly correct my father when he used the wrong honorifics when referring to me and he blew up at me. I did it through email ’cause I think it’s ridiculous having to schedule a meeting to talk to someone who emailed me in the first place.

Historically, email hasn’t been the best platform to communicate with my father because he twists my words and finds meanings in what I wrote that I never even thought of when I started typing. And, historically, my dad’s had a major martyr complex. So, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised or shocked me when he reacted poorly but I never expected him to react the way he did. He took this gentle, polite correction (I had a few people read it before I sent it ’cause I have to walk on eggshells with my father) and somehow decided that he does everything wrong and he doesn’t want to talk to me (for my own benefit, obviously, ’cause he still gets to decide that for me even though I’m 26 and have my first grey hair).

His initial email and the one that followed sent me into a major panic spiral plus made me feel so completely wrong in my body. B had to bribe me to get me to eat that day and the day that followed because my head was so messed up.

Then a couple days later, the property management company that owns the house we’re subleasing a room in sent a letter informing the people on the lease that they won’t be renewing the lease and everyone needs to be out by the end of the lease period (July 31). This made me panic and further pushed me into a relapse because we’ve been looking for alternatives to where we’re currently living since DECEMBER and haven’t been able to find anything, that combined with the trauma of getting evicted in September just really pushed me over the edge.

That night when my fiance and I tried to talk about what to get to make for dinner, I had a full blown panic attack and started crying and screaming because thinking about food like that just wasn’t something I could do at that moment in time.

Yesterday, we were told that the property management company is going to be having a walk-through with potential renters today (two appointments). That… I lost it. I haven’t melted down like that since December when we were given 10 days to move out of where we were staying. B’s cataplexy decided to act up right then, too, so he was unconscious off and on all night. By the end of the night, I was sobbing so hard I kept almost throwing up and I was so overwhelmed and panicked that I kept hitting myself in the head repeatedly.

Earlier today, B mentioned he was trying to think of something to make for dinner and I lost it on him. I lashed out and told him that he can’t talk to me about food right now because I’m so triggered. He apologized but it wasn’t good enough for me (at the time) because my brain just isn’t processing emotion properly and I’m just so messed up.

I need to wrap this up because I need to get ready for the last walk-through but I needed to vent somewhere about the gender and eating disorder stuff.

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