It should be noted that, due to the nature of this blog, a intense content warning for eating disorder issues (relationships with food, body image, disordered eating patterns, etc) stands.
I have struggled with food, my weight and body image as long as I can remember. Even when I was really little I was strange about food; I thought that anyone who offered me food, beside my mother and her mother, was trying to poison me so I wouldn’t eat at friends’ houses or at restaurants. My issues with food just got worse after my mom died when I was eleven — I remember thinking that if she can’t eat anymore then I shouldn’t, either. All those things plus the climate at home created the perfect environment to breed an eating disorder. Over the years it got worse and I was obsessing with calories and I had food types that were okay to eat and others that weren’t, and I was obsessively exercising.
When I originally started this blog, I intended for it to be a “healthy” weight loss blog. I talked a lot about the workout routines that I was forcing myself to do in the name of “being healthy,” despite the fact that I look at those posts now and realize that I was obsessing about my weight and exercise. I wasn’t counting calories but I definitely didn’t have a healthy relationship with food, my body, and how to care for myself during a workout routine.
Since that time, I’ve had an epiphany about my workout routines and, also, my physical health has taken a downturn. My good friend got me the book Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon and that book really changed my perception on weight, body size, and what that means for “health.” Since reading HAES, I’ve been trying to implement the mentality that it promotes into my life, which is difficult because of my life-long battle with food, self-worth, and body image.
So, now I mostly focus on processing my feelings about my body, my relationship to food, how the media defines our bodies and self-worth, and how that all ties into my perspective as someone who suffers from an eating disorder. I consider myself to be “in recovery,” however, that does not mean that I’m “cured;” I honestly believe that I will never be “cured” and body image, my relationship to food, and weight will always be something I struggle with.
Here are some other facts about me:
I’m a twenty-six-year-old female-bodied genderfluid person (feminine pronouns — she, her, hers, etc — masculine honorifics — brother, son, etc — and refer to me as “person” rather than man/woman/lady/girl please!) and I live in Colorado. I’m engaged to a wonderful cis-gender man, who I’ve been with for eight years and refer to as “B” or “my fiance.” And we have two parrots. I love animals, being creative, and art.