End of the Road or Change in Topics?

I’m not sure what to do with this blog anymore. While I still struggle with my ED, it’s not been a primary focus in about a year ’cause I’ve been concerned with other things, like facing homelessness and chronic illness/pain, and realizations about myself. Plus I had to have a surgery and I’m still pretty messed up from it. Sometimes I think I should just delete this blog ’cause, while I started it in hopes that my words might make people feel less alone, I don’t know what to say anymore that’s even remotely on topic.

I don’t need this blog to be a journal or venting space ’cause I have a semi-private one for that. I do have a couple ideas about what I could write about from time to time but I’m not sure if my audience (if you’re all still there after my repeated unannounced hiatuses) would be interested. I’ve got some recipes to try, could talk more about chronic illness in general… I don’t know.

Thoughts, comments?


End of the Hiatus?

So, I took a long, unexpected hiatus from this blog and WordPress in general. I just didn’t have the spoons to maintain this blog with everything that was going on in my life. A short catchup is that my partner, birds, and I have been struggling with homelessness in a terrifying way since August and also with hunger due to circumstances. My partner finally has a good job but the payroll company his work uses messed up his check and it’s late. We finally have a more stable place to live but we racked up a lot of debt trying to stay off the streets the last few months so it will be a while before we claw our way out, yet.

I’m not sure what to do with this blog anymore. Not sure how many people still will read after the hiatus and also not sure what content to post. I’ll have to consider things.


Anyway, here’s a link to an article with pictures of famous people untouched and also photoshopped. The untouched photos come from tabloids so I don’t recommend clicking the source links.


Personal Update: Eating Disorder Feelings. Plus News Article

Content Warning: This post contains detailed discussion of eating disorders, disordered eating patterns, and dysmorphic body image.


Our living situation remains pretty much the same. B is frantically looking for work. We’re awaiting word on SNAP and his unemployment payments but it’s likely the shutdown will further delay these things. We’re trying to make it on ~$50/wk and it’s brutal. Some of my friends have helped out by sending/giving us money for food/gas but it’s been difficult to find a way to eat enough, especially since the food bank we usually go to often only has random things like bread and veggies; nothing to really make meals with. We’ve started to go to the Salvation Army food bank, which we haven’t gone to before due to their policies on LGBT+ and non-Christian people, but they give out food boxes to the needy that you can actually build meals with.

Dealing with my eating disorder during this time continues to be difficult at best. I’ve lost weight. I can tell because my clothes are looser on my body, not because I’ve weighed myself. Part of me is thrilled beyond words because I hate how my body looks at the weight I’m at but then I try to remind myself that I hated how I looked and thought I was “fat” when my ribs were visible. I’m unsure if I’m really as heavy as I see myself in the mirror or if my ED is lying to me. Probably the latter.

We’ve had more access to food the last week or so but we’ve not been eating more as a result. I don’t want to yo-yo between this starvation mode and gorging myself on food to the point I feel sick and B just hasn’t noticed when he’s hungry lately so neither of us realize it’s been more than seven hours (or longer) between meals. It doesn’t help that B recently confided in me that he has disordered eating thoughts and has for years. I’ve suspected for a long time but I haven’t pestered him about it. We’re quite the pair.

The stress we’re under is causing my other health issues, such as my fibromyalgia and eczema, to super flare, too. Something has to change soon.


Now that I’ve updated on personal things, onto the news video I found that infuriated me: An 11-year-old girl in Florida was sent home with a letter from her school recently. That letter stated that she was “on a trend” to be overweight according to the BMI and her health is at risk. This girl is incredibly physically active and doesn’t look overweight at all. Her mother’s fighting it and talking to the media. The media, in turn, is talking to doctors who buy into the BMI hogwash, despite all the evidence that it’s bunk and is not a good indicator of health.

Here‘s the link. Watch with caution due to discussion of weight, BMI, and doctors harping on how being skinny is the best way to be healthy.

Housing Update + Eating Disorder Discussion

This post contains discussion of homelessness and eating disorders.

The last week has been super rough. We lost our housing and my fiance lost his job within 12 hours of each other. It’s all been really scary and difficult. The first night, before we found out he’d lost his job, we slept in B’s little Saturn coupe with our birds. We couldn’t even partially lay down due to how small the car is inside and the birdcage. The second night and for most of the others, we’ve slept in a tent we acquired from a local homeless and at-risk group. We’ve set up in my friend’s back yard and they’re letting us use their kitchen, bathroom, and wifi.

Sleeping in a tent is weird. I’ve never camped before because I just didn’t understand the appeal. Apparently a lot of people like it but I have trouble sleeping with the knowledge that it’s just a couple layers of fabric between me and the outside. I get a bit paranoid about what could be lurking out there and every little noise sets me off and wakes me up. I have to be super exhausted to fall asleep.

But, we’re safe and with people who genuinely care about us. So that is something of true value.

Food has been difficult. The stress has my eating disorder running away with me and every meal is a calculated effort to eat. Eating makes me feel sick to my stomach ’cause my ED doesn’t want me to eat so I have to chew very slowly and not be left alone while I’m eating now. I’m very concerned about food, like, how we’ll get food and other things.

I don’t know. I don’t want to talk more about this. I just thought I should update.

Personal Update About Housing Plus Mental Health/ED Talk

This post discusses disordered eating, self-harm, and mental health. Read with caution.


I’m beginning to think we’re never going to recover. Apparently last Monday, after our landlord/roommate C (he’s the husband), tore into me over our birds being our of their cage in our room he told B that we need to be out later today (feels like tomorrow because even though it’s 3:40am I haven’t slept). No amount of reasoning with C will change his mind. We told him we’d get the carpet cleaned when e move out, we put down a drop cloth and blanket in addition to the large area rug we already had; nothing has made a difference. What he’s doing doesn’t seem legal because we paid through the end of August and they said the birds were okay with no stipulations (we do have proof) and he’s also refusing to prorate the rent we’d overpay.

I’m not doing well at all. Thinking about food makes me more panicked than I am and eating in of itself makes me want to throw up. Each time I chew is an argument with my eating disorder and I’m not sure if I can fight it when everything else is crashing down around me. I self-harmed worse than I have in over a year and a half less than a week ago ’cause I just can’t take any more. I’m so terrified.

We still have nowhere to go. We had a promising lead but they stopped responding. Yes, we’ve contacted the police but they didn’t get back to us and no one answered when we tried again. We’re supposed to get a call back from Fair Housing later in the morning.

Incidentally, does anyone live in the Loveland/Greeley/Fort Collins/Windsor/Evans area of Colorado and would be willing to rent a room to my fiance and our two pet birds? We don’t have much (any, really) money right now but my fiance gets paid weekly and we could work something out. If so, please leave a comment with information on how to contact you. Thanks.

Personal Update Plus Interesting Link

Well, we have a roof over our heads but we had to move almost a hour away from my fiance’s work. Our new housemates are controlling micromanagers and have made living with them pretty miserable. I’m trying to keep my head up but it’s not going well. I feel pretty hopeless. I’d go into more detail but thinking about it makes me feel worse.

On a totally different topic:

A study was done recently (on only 66 people but still) that shows a possible link between female-bodied children who have anorexia and autism. Basically, they found that most of the subjects they studied (between the ages of 12 and 18) scored on tests similarly to people with autism. I find this interesting because I definitely show some signs of mild autism myself and the research seems beneficial. Anyway, here’s the link. Non-hyperlinked version here (do I need to keep providing these? Let me know in the comments): http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/08/05/us-autism-anorexia-idUSBRE97412J20130805

Personal Update

I need to write here and I keep seeing stuff I want to post about but I can’t bring myself to care because we’re facing homelessness for the 4th time since September. We have to move on the 31st of this month and, despite looking since December, we haven’t found anywhere else to live. I’ve been sleeping a lot and panicking a lot. I’m trying not to think about it but it’s all I can think about at the same time. I’m alternating between eating a lot and not eating at all.

I’m so close to giving up.